{no coma for me, thank you}

"I'm surprised you can even comb your own hair"
"I've had patients with lower numbers become comatose."
"We've never even seen a number that high before."

So, I am apparently not just fat and lazy: I was starting to wonder. No, really. I was starting to sadly resign myself to the idea that there was something wrong with me or that maybe this is just "how it is" to have two kids. There's no worse feeling in the world than feeling so defeated by life itself. I'm so glad I am finally getting some answers because "Monster's Inc.", "Cars", and "Finding Nemo" have been babysitting Dean for quite some time now.

Here's the low-down: I have been feeling really sick off and on since Eli was born, not to mention throughout my whole pregnancy, but let me just vent about the "after".

I went into my OB/GYN for my 6 week check-up in January and told him that I just couldn't shake the fatigue and at first he told me it was "just part of being a new mommy". I do agree with him but it seemed excessive. Only minutes later, however, during my exam, he felt several lumps on my thyroid and sent me off to get some thyroid ultrasounds done. The ultrasound showed several large lumps, many over 2cm (this seems small to me but is actually considered to be very large). These "nodules" as they are sometimes referred were causing my thyroid to be enlarged as well. I was sent from the ultrasounds to an ENT and then to the hospital to get something called a "fine-needle aspiration". (They stick a giant needle in my neck and pull out cells from the thyroid lumps to test for cancer. Yes, it was painful.) I actually had two "fine-needle aspirations and both came back "inconclusive, but concerning for malignancy" (as stated in the pathology report.)
So, basically the procedure was in vein because
a) it hurt,
b) it was expensive,
c) I had to have it done twice, and
d) I left knowing the EXACT same thing I knew before: I may have cancer in my thyroid.
They told me to follow up in six months with another ultrasound to see whether or not the lumps are growing. Well, six months is in late June so I decided I'd do as I'm told and patiently wait.

BUT...
I went to get my annual lady check-up at the end of April and told my doc I was feeling worse than ever and that I have been working out like crazy everyday as well as eating healthier than I ever have before and I am actually gaining weight (SO unfair)! He said he could practically tell by looking that my lumps had grown because my neck looks so enlarged from my thyroid being so swollen. (Okay, okay, Doc. I get it, my neck is fat. LOL *wink*) I asked him to test my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) again even though it was only 1.4 in January because I was curious if my lumps were affecting my thyroid's function - I truthfully have often wondered if that could've caused our miscarriage and even Eli's prematurity (both side-affects of hypothyroidism). Well, the results came back last week and my number was 130.5!!! The normal is between 0.5 and 5, but most people begin to feel terrible around a 4 or so. Anything above 5 is considered "hypothyroid". Well, I am DEFINITELY hypothyroid - no question there - and it explains why my hair is falling out in handfuls, why I cannot lose any weight no matter what, why I nearly pass out from fatigue every other day, why my skin is dry and dare-I-say scaly, why my arms and legs are tingly, I'm always freezing, I'm overly emotional, my menstrual cycles are messed up, my throat hurts, my digestive system is all-but destroyed, my brain doesn't seem to work anymore, my eyebrows are thinning, etc, etc. (it's amazing how much damage a failing thyroid can do...or is a 130.5 considered "already failed"?).

Anywho, I started my joyous (*sarcasm*) hormone replacement therapy today, which I will have to be on for the rest of my life. That's pretty depressing but I'm hoping it helps. Hey, I'll take what I can get at this point, I'm just desperate to feel better. Today doesn't feel so great and my energy seems even less than normal. And as for the lumps? They are requiring my follow-up to be this week, on Thursday, instead of waiting until June because 130.5 is so abnormally high they are worried cancer could be to blame. The remarks above are some of the reactions I have received from several different internists, ENTs, and endocrinologists this past week as well as an, "I CAN'T Believe you're alive! I feel like death when my TSH is at a 5!" from a fellow hypothyroid friend of mine. Her highest number was a 17. Should I be worried? Well, I truthfully am. The most common concern for doctors has been coma as it apparently takes numbers much lower than mine to cause a hypothyroid coma in many patients. The biggest concern for me has been how Dean and Eli have had to cope with this. You never realize how much your own ails and tribulations can traumatize your children, even at only 2 years old, until it happens.

I had a really overwhelming day about two days ago and was feeling pretty nervous about the cancer potential and the hormone replacement and just sat sobbing for a moment in my living room after talking to one of the endocrinologists (Devin was at work). When Dean saw me crying, he put down his toy and walked over to me with the biggest, saddest eyes I've ever seen on my happy little guy.

DEAN: "YOU TIRED MOMMY?" (as he puts his little hand on my shoulder)
ME: "YEAH, BABY. MOMMY'S JUST TIRED"

After my response, he just grabbed his lightning McQueen toy car and asked if he could go to bed. He was so confused about the whole situation he would rather just go to bed? Sad. We went on a lunch date to McDonald's instead and then I bought him a new toy for his woes. New rule: no crying in front of the kiddos. (DISCLAIMER: I just want to mention that I do not, by any means, just spend my days all sad and mopey. Anyone who knows me, knows I am generally an upbeat, easy-going person. That's why this has all been so hard to cope with - I enjoy being my hyper and happy self. I guarantee my hormone imbalances are much to blame for the seemingly-uncontrollable weepiness lately, but Dean still witnessed it, nonetheless, and he doesn't understand a thing about said "hormones".)

I guess I'm lucky I asked for that TSH test. After all, regardless of my own reservations about a pill-a-day lifestyle, it is a means to being healthy again and that's all I want. I just hope I start feeling more like me again sometime soon. Well, I'm going to go sleep now. Story of my life.