{feeling the need to defend myself}

Someone said something that hurt my feelings recently and it has been on my mind for quite some time now. I guess it's not too difficult to hurt a pregnant lady's feelings, especially the nearer they get to the end of the pregnancy, but it did nonetheless.

I just want to say that I am completely stuck between a rock and a hard place these days with this pregnancy, especially currently. I am trying to make the best decisions that I can in regard to the health and safety of our sweet Ava while also keeping my own sanity as well as my family's needs in mind. I spent the month of January on bed rest (although I didn't realize I was supposed to more strict about it until I was relieved of it, so an honest mistake there). And then, I just spent the last month on bed rest again. Although I was not capable of laying in my bed 24/7, I did the best that I could with two toddlers to care for and a husband gone the majority of the time. I have been so blessed to receive meals, much-needed grocery items, books and sudoko to occupy my time, and even babysitting assistance from my wonderful ward members and could not have made it without their help. Over the last couple weeks I have laid down more than I can ever remember which required patience and sacrifice from my husband and my children on several occasions.

Some people have asserted that I have not done my part since the boys were still here with me or because the house was clean when they stopped by, but I have done my part, trust me. That being said, I have been on countdown-mode for the day to come that I would be relieved from bed rest because I am not allowed to drive which means no leaving home during the days - so not being able to do things even during evenings or weekends with Devin or friends has been really difficult for me. Sure, "home is where the heart is" but home gets REALLY boring when you can't leave...ever. So, much to my delight, the time finally comes that the doctor says "no more bed rest" but not-so-delightfully, it came with a 3.5cm cervix dilation. Bittersweet, to say the least. I asked my doctor if he honestly thinks I should still take it easy and he flat-out said "not at all" and that "it won't matter at this point". Even when I lay down, I contract. Physical activity has been relatively non-existant the past month and yet, I dilated. So, what causes me to dilate? We're not actually sure but I contract whether I am sitting down or walking around so it is probably that. Again, physical activity has nothing to do with the contractions either, my doc calls my uterus obnoxious at this point, so you get the idea. It does what it wants.

So, here's the dilemma.

Rock = Perhaps I should overrule my doc's advice and keep up the bed rest even though it hasn't done any good thus far and will probably not make a difference. This means however, that I still can't accomplish the few important pre-baby errands that I've been needing to run before Ava makes her debut (I'm not talking frivolous ones, there are a couple things that we really need to take care of before she comes). And if I don't get some of them done now, after she comes will be tough too considering the whole six-week rule - longer if she's a preemie which, truthfully, I'm sure she will be at this point but we'll see. (It's really up to her, not me.)

Hard Place = I could just take my doc's (who I trust VERY MUCH) advice and know that he knows what he's talking about and has a medical degree and years of experience to back it up. This means I can run errands with Devin's help behind the wheel, clean house to my heart's content, go for walks, etc. However, this route seems to rouse some judgments from others that by doing this, "it's my own fault" if I have Ava early (which I think is a TERRIBLE thing to say to someone. Why would you even suggest that such guilt should loom over a Mommy's head if labor did occur early?)

So, either way: lose/lose situation.

However, I have chosen a middle alternative and have still taken it easy while at home but have also run a couple errands (that I have been needing to do for weeks now) with Devin. To be honest, I was a pretty lame errand companion because I waited in the car for one errand, sat on the bench during a lengthy check-out on another errand, and only actually participated fully in one errand only because it required my presence. I am trying my best to listen to my body and to take cues to sit down and take a break. I'd like to think I'm doing a good job at being a responsible preggo but just keep getting the feeling that I'm being judged by a couple people that perhaps don't understand how hard it has actually been and have never even been in a similar situation. It's unfair to assert that if something goes wrong (which I obviously pray that nothing does) or that the baby comes early that I am to blame because I did what my doctor said was safe to do.

If you know me at all, you know I am a busy body and always working on something. Yet, at this time (what could be only days before Ava comes) I still don't even have her nursery done. And it's killing me, but that, alone, should be proof that I've been obedient and have taken it easy. :o)