{grateful}

My heart is full today as I sit here typing with a snuggly Eli on my lap, a rambunctious Dean bouncing around the room, and a bubble-blowing Ava cooing at my side. Devin and I have been reminded on a couple occasions recently that we began our marriage unsure of whether or not we would be able to conceive. When I first told Devin what two different GYNs had told me once upon a time - that I may not be able to have children at all or, in the very least, it would be challenging - he didn't even hesitate before responding by saying, "then we'll adopt". It was one of those moments that I dreaded because I didn't know what he'd say or if he'd still want to marry me (a concern that seems silly to me now). It was also a defining moment in our relationship that only reaffirmed to me that he was the patient, caring and understanding man I was supposed to marry. He didn't judge me and he didn't even dwell on the news, but rather, made it clear that I was loved regardless and that we would find other ways to be loving parents someday.

At the time it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. A couple months later - four months after we were married to be exact - it seemed like an ironic joke as I took my fourth positive pregnancy test only one day after we made an official plan to hold off on "trying" until we were both finished with college one year later. Life is like that, we've learned. You can never really plan because sometimes Heavenly Father has a different idea entirely. We've also learned that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor.

I wrote a short blog post just before Eli was born about how I used to peer into my empty backseats through my rear-view mirror and wonder if those seats would ever be occupied. I still remember feeling that way because it doesn't seem like very long ago, but now it's a full house back there and those full seats come with cracker crumbs, spilled sippies, innocent giggles and impatient cries. And do you know what? When those crumb-covered gigglers and sippy-spilling criers get out of that back seat, they can be found scaling furniture items and rearranging kitchen cabinet contents in my house. I have to admit, on some days I catch myself thinking that if I could just run some errands with empty backseats, I would get a lot more accomplished. But the truth is that I wouldn't have it any other way. My kids are my world - they define me and have even before they were born. In times when I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up or where I wanted to be, I always knew to the depths of my soul that, above all else, I wanted to be a mother. So, as corny as it sounds, I have the life I've always wanted - and I really do feel that way. A life consisting of wiping runny noses and dirty bottoms, of bandaging scrapes that can barely be seen with the naked eye, chiseling dried cereal off of high chairs and scavenging for teeny-tiny lost toys and snacks underneath the fridge just to make one of these little rugrat's day. Sometimes it's hard work that seems never-ending and other times the smallest, most simple moments make being peed on, pooped on and spit up on all worthwhile. Like when my baby girl catches my eyes from across the room and her whole face lights up with the biggest grin you'll ever see. Or when my sweet baby boy falls down for the seventeenth time in a day and remains inconsolable until he gets the cure-all hugs and kisses from Mommy. Or even when an involuntary and dreamy smile emerges on the face of my seemingly-more-grown-up-everyday little boy when I sneak into his room every night as he sleeps to steal kisses before I go to bed.

There are no words beautiful enough to describe the pure joy that motherhood brings. I'm grateful for it everyday and know, even in the most trying of moments, that I am so blessed. I once feared I wouldn't even have one child to love and now I have three. And though those GYNs were way off base on my ability to conceive (I may be the most fertile woman ever, in fact), they hit the nail on the head when they suggested that pregnancy would be hard on my body. Well, it was and though I can't have more of these beautiful babies, I am happy and at peace with what Heavenly Father has already given me. And as for all the tribulation, heartache, pain, and sometimes out-right fear that came with bringing these three gifts into the world? It was all so worth it!

And they are well worth these saggy/deflated breasts, residual pregnancy pounds and widened hips as well. (Repeat after me: Motherhood is a joy. Motherhood is a joy. Motherhood is a joy.)

Oh, and for the record, the snuggly Eli was evicted from his lap seat about three paragraphs ago when I realized the snuggling was just a ploy to push buttons while I am typing. I should have known. *wink*

I love these little creatures more than they'll ever know.