I just need to vent...

I have a love/hate relationship with breast-feeding. After all, it helps baby build immunities. I always have some ready-on-demand. I don't have to dirty a bottle (or even waste time preparing one). I get to bond with my baby. It's never too hot or too cold. I don't have to pack a diaper bag with more than just diapers. It's free. It even helps me lose the rest of the baby weight while still eating more calories in a day. It's just plain convenient...or, at least, it should be.

Here is my dilemma. I could only nurse Dean for three months and had to supplement with formula because he wasn't getting enough milk. We learned this in the hospital when he was first born because my colostrum was not sustaining his blood sugar and again at his 2 week check-up because he wasn't gaining enough weight. Another issue I have is that my babies have to have REALLY strong suckers to stimulate the milk-flow, not even breast-pumps are strong enough after my milk comes in and the colostrum is gone. Dean was not a strong sucker. Don't get me wrong, he had a great suction and latch, just not good enough my freak body so I dried up when he was only three months old and had to formula feed from then on. I cried and whined and was really upset that it didn't work out.

Then comes Eli. Let me start by saying, be careful what you wish for. I was so excited through my pregnancy at the notion of being able to give breast-feeding another go and when Eli came home, I was pleasantly surprised. I was worried at first that this time would be worse than the last since he was in the NICU and I had to use only the pump. But I pumped and pumped and made two deliveries of breast-milk to the hospital each day so that he could have a Mommy's-milk-only diet even though he wasn't home with me, which he did and did great without any supplementing (obviously, since we got to bring home home so quickly). We were warned repeatedly, however, that he may not learn to feed at the breast very easily since he had never done that for the first nine days, but the first time we tried, he figured it out immediately! What a smartie and a STRONG sucker, to boot.

So, let's recap. Enough milk? Check. Baby willing to drink said milk? Check. Strong little sucker? Double check. What is the problem, you ask? Well, now I produce TOO much milk, called "hyperlactation syndrome". (Darn body. Get it right, already!) AND, as if that were not a problem, I also have a condition called "forceful letdown" which means when my milk drops, it sprays out like a garden hose. We learned all this because little Eli has been pretty grumpy and insatiable and gaining weight pretty quickly (little fatty). He has excessive gas from swallowing air due to the forceful letdown and although he doesn't spit up, he actually vomits sometimes from having to swallow SO much milk so fast. All are totally opposite than Dean's demeanor at that age: he was very calm , reserved, never spit up and was super SKINNY! When Eli eats, he get so much foremilk (as opposed to the more nutritious hindmilk) which has a lot of water in it. He fills up really quickly on that but it is not substantial enough to fill him up for more than 2 hours (usually less) and so he eats WAY too often. He also gets frustrated with me when the letdown occurs because it literally drowns him and he has to detach to breath since the milk sprays too much way too quickly and he cannot keep up. WHAT A MESS IT MAKES when he detaches because then I am just spraying his face, my clothes, bedding, Devin or whatever else stands in my path! AAAAaaaagh! Enough already!

We have recently tried supplementing with formula in order to stunt my milk supply a little. No luck. Just engorged me and I do NOT need an infection from being clogged right now. So now what? Eli is always hungry and annoyed. I am ALWAYS feeding and annoyed. Dean is neglected and annoyed. And Devin doesn't know how to help. I am constantly overflowing breast pads and having to shower ALOT because, let's face it, breastmilk stinks and I am covered in it most of the time. I am sick of being stinky and I am running on so little sleep that I actually resent my precious baby boy at night when he needs to eat (no more than he resents me, I suppose, for feeding him watered-down milk and spraying him in the face). I don't want to feel that way and feel really guilty about it. What happened to nursing being a beautiful opportunity to bond? I hate the fact that my baby is uncomfortable, gassy and hungry because of my flawed nursing abilities. Thus, at the risk of making Devin cry at the notion of having to afford formula now, I think I am going to stop nursing. I feel like a failure but I don't know what else to do and I have another child who also needs me. I need my life and my sanity back. Please don't judge me (I am probably my worst critic as it is) I sometimes used think mothers who didn't nurse were just lazy or quitters but I am definitely humbled by my experiences and regret ever thinking that. I stink. I leak. I spray. I never sleep. Every Mommy for herself, is my new motto. Thanks for listening.

(** Update: I have kept nursing and borrowed a hospital-grade medela breastpump from a great friend (Thanks Jami). It is going better now that I am supplementing a little but now I'm worried I'll dry up. I guess I just can't win. We'll see how it continues to go. Thanks for all the encouraging words and supports. :o)